Check out the new site, guys!

30 Aug

I’ve moved!!! Now you can read the blog on the newly designed site at storiesaboutmyunderpants.blogspot.com

And then Steve Jobs took all of my money from my bank account and put it in his Heaven bank account and then pointed and laughed at me.

30 Aug

For two weeks I haven’t been able to hear my voicemail or any phone conversation while holding my phone up to my ear like a normal person. Unless I have you on speakerphone, you might as well be talking to me through a tin can from under the earth, because that’s about where you sound like you are anyway.

So, after having a few awkward conversations via speakerphone in the middle of a New York City sidewalk, I decided I’d finally call Apple to see what’s up. That is, of course, after I called AT&T who troubleshot with me for 20 minutes and then said “Yeah, you should call Apple.”

And then this happened:

Me: I have to call Apple so they can fix my phone.

Friend: You’re going to love it. Apple’s tech support is the best.

5 minutes later.

Apple Tech Support: This is an automated message and I can understand complete sentences. Tell me your problem.

Me: I can’t hear people when I talk to them on the phone.

Apple Tech Support: This is an automated message and I can understand complete sentences. Tell me your problem.

Me: Uh…..I can’t hear people when I talk to them on the phone. For two weeks.

ATS: This is an automated message and I can understand complete sentences. Tell me your problem.

Me: I just said multiple complete sentences.

ATS: I will transfer you.

Me: Really?

Hold.

ATS Person: Hi, I’m Sarah, blah blah blah blah blah. What’s the problem?

Me: So, for about two weeks I haven’t been able to hear people on the other end of the phone.

Silence for 3 seconds

Me: So….then I put them on speakerphone and I can hear them fine. But it’s kind of awkward, you know? Because nobody wants to hear my conversations with my parents or me listening to my voicemail because usually it’s just my friends talking to me as if I’m actually on the phone, so it’s almost like you’re listening to a private conversation.

ATS Person: That does sound frustrating.

Me: Right? It really is.

ATS Person: So there’s something called (I don’t remember the name of the expensive helpful product she mentioned here) for $69.95 where you can call us any time for the smallest or biggest problems with your phone for the next two years.

Me: Uh…….

ATS Person: Would you like to buy that?

Me: Wait, can you help me for free just, you know, now?

ATS Person: Or there’s a package where you pay $24.95 for a one time phone call and we’ll help you with one problem, and you’d have to pay that every time you called us back for any issues.

Me: Well that doesn’t sound like much of a deal.

ATS Person: The first one I mentioned is a much better deal for your money.

Me: To be honest, I was hoping for the kind of deal where I call you on the phone and tell you that I can’t hear anything and then you fix it for free over the phone.

Silence.

Me: Also, I called AT&T and they told me that I’m still under warranty with you.

ATS Person: That’s true, you’re under warranty for 56 more days.

Me: Right……so……..

ATS Person: Which is why I told you about the first one, because that extends everything for the next two years.

Me: Right. But I’m under warranty now, right?

ATS Person: Yes

Me: So I think it’s more cost effective for me to call you while I’m still under warranty, which I paid for already, and let you fix my problem before I pay you $70 for problems that might happen in the future. You know?

ATS Person: I understand what you’re saying.

Me: Great! So how can I hear people on my phone again?

ATS Person: Or I can direct you to the online support site where you can try to troubleshoot for free.

Me: I’m confused.

ATS Person: Which option would you prefer?

Me: Wait, I think maybe I’m in the wrong department because I said a few sentences to the machine when I first called and it didn’t understand me and so maybe there’s a miscommunication.

ATS Person: No, I understand your problem.

Me: Great!

ATS Person: So do you have a preference for which option you’d like?

Me: Um…….the option where you fix my problem for free over the phone during this call?

ATS Person, laughing: That wasn’t one of the options.

Me: But it’s the one I want.

ATS Person: I understand your frustration.

Me: I’m not so sure you do. Ok. Maybe I’ll try to solve it on my own for free while I’m under the warranty and then, when that doesn’t work, I’ll just go to the Apple store during my lunch break and maybe it’ll be harder for someone to not help me for free in person?

ATS Person: It’s worth a shot.

Me: I appreciate your honesty.

And then I threw my giant Steve Jobs biography at my phone to see if that would fix it, and when that failed, I flushed it down the toilet. And then I walked over to my “friend” and called him a liar to his face and walked away.

So if you need me, call Sarah and she’ll patch you through for $500 per minute to my new invisible Apple Air Phone.

"I know how to fix this and you dont. Give me a billion dollars."

Ryan Gosling! Ryan Gosling! Ryan Gosling! And also George Clooney.

29 Aug

So you know how everyone has a super power, right? Well, my super power – other than my above-average skills when it comes to parallel parking – is that I have the uncanny ability to make things happen with just my mind. I mean, I can’t, like, bend steel or anything. Though to be fair, I’ve never thought hard enough about bending steel to really test that theory. But let’s just assume I can’t.

What I can do, however, is make really unimportant things happen after I say them out loud. Don’t be jealous, we’re all gifted in our own special way. Mine is just tremendously cool. Here are a few examples:

  • We were out with friends recently having a benign conversation about sports or something. I was only half-listening. But at some point I said something vaguely mean about Notre Dame. Know why? Because I hate Notre Dame. Anyway,  I mentioned them and then sort of meandered my brain out of the conversation. But because of my crazy abilities that are far out of the sphere of my control, within an hour of mentioning Notre Dame and their inability to suck any more than they already do, some dude in a Notre Dame shirt walked by. I looked over at CB who had a look of awe on his face and I just nodded and said “I know! I’m amazing.”

I mean, we had just been talking about how my brain is freaking us both out, and not in the normal way that it usually does. Granted, it’s not totally out of the question that someone would be wearing a Notre Dame shirt, but I can go days or weeks without seeing one – or noticing one – and then on the day that I mention them it appears. Coincidence? I think not. (also, don’t look up the definition of a coincidence.)

  • A few weeks ago I was re-telling CB a really compelling story about my trip to the furniture store down the street and how I was chatting with the couple who owns it about their other store in upstate New York. I know, right? It was gripping and he was hanging on every word. But during the conversation they mentioned that Michelle Williams and Mark Ruffalo are clients of theirs. This part of the story lasted about 5 seconds and then I moved along so I could describe furniture to CB that he was really excited to hear about. So fast forward to later that night when we decided to watch a movie and who should appear on screen but Michelle Williams and Mark Ruffalo!

CB: That’s really weird that you were just talking about them earlier.

Me: I know, it’s getting freaky. I’m really good at this. My mind is dangerous!

CB: Tell me about it.

Me: But seriously. I can basically just say something and then later it’ll appear. It’s a blessing and a curse because now I have to be careful not to think of anything bad! Which is going to be hard because now all I can think about is stuff I shouldn’t think about because that’s how brains work when you tell them not to do something. My brain is like an unruly child!

CB: I can’t hear the movie.

Me: I’m just saying my powers are greater than we both realized.

And then we continued to watch the movie in silence while I thought about all of the things I hoped didn’t appear in front of us later that night. However, while I was busy thinking about all of the things I didn’t want to happen, CB, apparently, was busy thinking about all of the things he did want to happen.

Cut to: the next morning.

CB: So I think that we should start talking about Jessica Biel.

Me: What?

CB: Jessica Biel.

Me: Why should we start talking about Jessica Biel?

CB: Because you have that crazy brain thing where the people or things you talk about end up appearing in front of us.

Me, laughing: Oh my God, you’ve definitely given this way too much thought.

CB: Focus, woman! Jessica Biel!

BOOM. Jessica Biel. Does that count, CB?

So as a thank you to CB for the key incident over the weekend, I’m not only thinking and talking about Jessica Biel, but I’m blogging about her. So, you know, everyone keep an eye out when you see us skipping arm and arm together down the street in all the tabloids later this week. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Also, I’ll tell you if Justin Timberlake is actually really short in person and how the secret wedding in Colorado goes!

Happy Hump Day, everyone!

And then I taught everyone a lesson about how to be a real adult and handle stress like a champ.

27 Aug

I think it goes without saying that I very clearly have my life together and at no time do I spaz out. Except for when I do and I make everyone else around me insanely spaz-y as well. Also, and unrelated, I believe it’s physically impossible for me not to lock myself out of my apartment at least once every few months. But hey, at least I’m consistent.

This weekend we had a pretty packed schedule, and because I love all things involving a checklist, I made one and decided to spend my Saturday morning before the craziness crossing things off, clearly being the envy of everyone around me who wished they were as cool as me. Also, I was out of toilet paper and was forced to go to the store anyway, so why not be productive?

After about an hour and a half of random errands in the 80 degree, humid New Jersey air, I made my way back home to discover that my keys were safely tucked inside the comforting arms of my apartment building. I believe I dropped my grocery bags and purse in a really non-dramatic way in the vestibule and wailed “Not again!!” because that’s how adults handle stress.

And then I texted CB, who was really surprised that this happened.

Me: I need to come up and grab the spare set of keys to my place because I locked myself out.

CB: That sounds about right.

Me: But don’t judge me because I was waiting to shower just before we left for the wedding so I’m sweaty and gross.

CB: I’ll close my eyes.

And then I walked a mile uphill to his place and didn’t once complain about it when I got there.

However, what I did do is completely make CB wish he hadn’t woken up or answered his phone that day. You see, he keeps these keys of mine in a junk drawer, so every time I’ve needed them he just opens it up, grabs the keys, hands ‘em over, and I’m on my way.

But this time he opened the drawer, grabbed the keys, said “These are them, right?” and then I ruined our morning by being a spaz.

Me: No, those aren’t them.

CB: But they’re the only keys in here.

Me: I think I know what my keys look like. They’re on a red key chain or something.

CB, dumping out the contents of his drawer: Are you sure? These are the only keys in here and I don’t know why I’d have any others.

Me: Yes I’m sure. Oh man, where could they be?

CB, not saying anything and now opening every drawer and closet in his apartment.

Me: I mean, I really appreciate you looking, but I think I should call the locksmith because I don’t want to waste any more of our time. Ugh, they’re going to charge me another $150 and last time it took them 2 hours to get there which would likely make us late for the wedding since then I wouldn’t have enough time to shower and do my hair and makeup!

CB, giving me a not-happy-with-me look.

Me: The only reason I’m panicking is because I don’t want to make us late and so I’m thinking I should probably just head back home now instead of spending 20 more minutes looking so that I don’t waste any more of our time.

CB: You know, you panicking isn’t helping me think.

Me: I know, but I can’t help it!

CB: Could you try?

Me: This is me trying.

And then I walked back over to the drawer where the other set of keys were sitting and said “Oh wait, I think these are mine, they just look different!” And then CB wasn’t annoyed at all.

My bad.

Also, I think all of this helped his slight hangover from the night before because he tried unlocking his apartment door with the car key and mumbled something about how he hadn’t been planning on having to wake up and use his brain this early. And then I think I heard something about how happy he is that we’re together and how I make all situations less stressful and drama-free.

Happy Monday, everyone!

Friday Funday Wrapup!

24 Aug

Friday Funday Wrapup, people! Let’s get to it.

First of all, a friend sent this to me yesterday and said she thought of me for some reason. I wasn’t sure if I should be terrified or not, but it made me laugh – enjoy!

Next, in light of this and all of the other stories similar lately, maybe we could all just take a minute and be a little kinder to those around us.

I’m not here to talk politics or debate anything. That’s not why you guys come here and that’s not what this blog is. And though I’ve posted this video before, I think it’s worth watching again. Take a minute, call your best friend, or your parents, or high five a co-worker or something. K?

And lastly, to end on a happier note and talk about Jennifer Lopez, I’ll share this conversation with you that I just had with a friend regarding what I should wear to a wedding this weekend:

Friend: I love that dress on you, that’s the one to go with.

Me: Yeah, plus I’m lazy and don’t want to buy a new dress so it was really my only option.

Friend: It’s a good choice.

Me: But do I need a booty bump with this dress?

Friend: Uh, what?

Me: A booty bump. You know, that underwear you can put on to give you an extra bump!

Friend: You’re not serious.

Me: I’m dead serious. My butt is basically just a flat extension of my upper legs and sometimes it’s nice if you can add a little plumpness.

Friend: Is this because of your J-Lo obsession?
Me: Well, that’s part of it.

Friend: Please don’t wear a booty bump.

Me: No promises.

The original booty bump.

How carrying a watermelon can lead to sex and why the Terminator taught me everything I needed to know about love.

22 Aug

Alright, I’m sure I’m breaking old news to you, but yesterday was the 25th Anniversary of “Dirty Dancing.” I know, right? We had the time of our lives, blinked, and now we’re all super-old making Baby references that the interns at work don’t understand. It’s very disorienting.

So then I heard something yesterday about a guy who spent a year blogging about how he watched the movie “Julia and Julia” every single day for 365 days. I was all like “that guy’s crazy!” until I realized that I participated in a very similar secret dare I didn’t know I was having with myself when I watched the following movies a billion times for many consecutive years:

  1. “Dirty Dancing”
  2. “Sleepless in Seattle”
  3. “The Karate Kid”
  4. “My Best Friend’s Wedding”
  5. “When Harry Met Sally”

Also, this weekend I had a whole debate with one of CB’s friends about which song was playing on the beach when Daniel first met Ali during the “Karate Kid.”  I’m pretty sure that everyone else around us was intensely jealous of the level of awesomeness we had reached.

It was "Bop Bop on the Beach." Duh.

 

Anyway, I got off course there for a second. So when I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to watch “Dirty Dancing.” First of all, I was maybe 9(ish), which I think is a more than appropriate age to watch sweaty teenagers grinding on the dance floor to oldies and learning about the dangers of pre-marital sex by watching the after-effects of a back alley abortion. I see no problem with this. Also, I’m not ashamed to say that it took until I was well into my college years before I realized that that’s what was even happening. I was too focused on when Patrick Swayze would take his shirt off and wondering if all first times were choreographed dance moves to a Soloman Burke record.

Answer: sadly, no.

But since I wasn’t allowed to watch it, I naturally just waited for one of my friends, whose parents didn’t pay very close attention to details, to get it on VHS and then we watched it in her basement one day. But I only got to see maybe a scene or two before my mom came to pick me up and I totally missed out on all the good stuff. Kind of like the time when my dad let us watch “The Terminator” but made my sister and me leave the room during the “love” scene. Trust me, I’m pretty sure I would’ve been less traumatized by that than by Arnold Schwarzenegger blowing away an entire bar full of people and stalking a woman who was carrying the baby of the future leader of the human resistance.

Also, and sorry to break it to you dad, Amanda and I totally went back downstairs and fast forwarded to that scene on the tape after you went to bed. Which lead to me going through my adolescence thinking that basically all you did during sexy time was roll around grabbing covers while looking kind of like you were really exhausted and frustrated with each other the whole time. I was honestly a bit in shock when it came time to live out my own Soloman Burke moment and realized all that was involved. Also, that time hasn’t happened yet because I’m a lady and I don’t roll like that. Obviously.

This is one way to learn about the birds and the bees. Who needs a chastity belt when you have a cyborg assassin?

Basically what I’m saying is this: I could totally blog every single day for the rest of my life about every wonderfully awful 80s movie I’ve seen and memorized. But then the blog would shut down because people would stop reading. And then we’d all be sad because we’d have to search for something else to read for 90 seconds every few days that made us feel better about ourselves for not being me. And that just seems like a lot of work.

What I’m wondering, though, is if I’m totally alone on this. I mean, am I the only one who walks into a work meeting, has to sit in the corner of the room because it’s too full, and then thinks to myself “But nobody puts Becky in the corner!”?

No, right?

Happy Hump Day!

Monday Funday Wrapup! Thanks a lot, vodka.

20 Aug

So, since I didn’t do a normal “wrapup” on Friday, I thought it’d be a good way to start the week. Also, I somehow became over-served this weekend while celebrating CB’s birthday with his incredible family and friends, and for some reason I’m not feeling all that creative. Or able to form full sentences very well. Proceed with caution and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

First of all, I don’t know how this part of my personality manifests itself at work so that co-workers know automatically to send me stuff like this, but I thank them.

Secondly, brace yourselves because I’m about to re-cap a conversation CB reluctantly had with me yesterday about lady bits. I know, right? What could be better?

Sitting quietly, watching tv:

CB: Oh God, where’s the remote? Why do they have to put this stuff on tv?

Me: Uh, what’s that grandpa? It’s a Vagisil commercial. What’s the big deal?

CB: Jeez, you don’t have to say it! Why would they advertise this?

Me: Because sometimes people have itchy bits.

CB: That’s disgusting.

Me: But it’s true.

CB: Ok, but they don’t have to advertise for it. Just like Imodium and other things like that. They don’t have to put it on tv, you should just go to the drug store and you can ask the people who work there.

Me: Oh really? Ok, so I’m going to walk into CVS and go over to the poor kid getting paid minimum wage and ask him how I can get my vagina to stop itching?

CB, laughing: There’s something wrong with you.

Me: You’re the one who brought it up! I’m just saying that these commercials help let people know there are options. Also, then you won’t terrify the 17 year old working at the drug store.

You’re welcome, America.

And lastly, the re-design of the blog has begun! Keep an eye out for a brand new look in a few weeks, along with that last piece of exciting news that doesn’t include anything having to do with marriage, babies, or co-habitating. 

Happy Monday everyone!

Some people aren't that fresh all the time, CB. Just ask the kid at CVS.